i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
