Your mouth is God's brothel.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize