and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i love accidental penises.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
