Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
