You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
