I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
