you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
