marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
