K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize