I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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