i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
