Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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