Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize