It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
