What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
