Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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