"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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