i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
why do cheetos always look like penises
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
