I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
