I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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