I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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