Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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