In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
