Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
