He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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