is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
