please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
