Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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