I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
