I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
