Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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