I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
