omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
