I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
