His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm having to shit out rocks
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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