ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
