You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
