my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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