Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
