your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
