I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
