I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
