I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
