You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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