i barfeds in our rink
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
