so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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