high people should be assigned attendants
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
