Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
