I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
