yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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