somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
