Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
