we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
