saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
