Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
