I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
