This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
