Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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