I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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