im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
