"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
