The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
