someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
