dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
