Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
